[T-1wk] Self-doubts and Inconsistencies

As the day of surgery approaches (Tuesday Sep 22, 2009), I have been plauged with the thought that perhaps MMA is not the right decision. What if it was idiopathic as one of the doctors had diagnosed? What if I my brain had permanently been rewired to deal with this problem since childhood? My wife's sister who is a doc, thinks this whole space age surgery is a waste of time. She thinks it is all mental now. My 13 yr old son thinks I am crazy to have my jaws sawn. My wife wonders whether I simply cannot live with it? I wonder about all of this myself.

Via the blog, I reviewed my medical records again. Over the years, though the first doc thought it was idiopathic insomnia, a number of subsequent sleep studies proved that I had either mild or severe OSA ranging from 25 to 31 RDI beyond doubt. Some docs thought I was Mallampati II and some thought I was Mallampati III. Some thought I was mildly rethogathic but most think I am severely rethnogathic. Dr. Riley said that he was going to advance me by more than the usual 12 mm. Over the years I have given all kinds of CPAP a fair shake. I have tried the dental appliance and drugs as well. The fact of the matter is that I am not compliant to any one of them.

Dr. Li thinks that RDI should be treated even if it were symptomless. I wonder if RDI can be normal after my jaw advancement and still suffer from the symptoms. In the end, it seems like there is no perfect science. I ultimately have to be responsible for this decision.

Last week I attended the MMA meet here at Sunnyvale. About 20+ people, many of them who had MMA surgery showed up, many of them from out of town. They shared their experiences and tips. Even though several people were not cured, 100% of the people were happy that they tried MMA, most as a last resort. Some were having adjunct procedures after it. I kept staring at their faces, to see if I could tell. All of them looking perfectly normal with beautiful faces. Some of them wore braces, but none as a result of the MMA. I was especially jealous of the people who were wolfing down their kabob's 5 wks from MMA. I will be eternally grateful for those people who showed up to support me. It is a testimony to humanity.

I remain greatly comforted by these two messages last week from very well respected MMA veterans. One was from SeattleBill who said "I was making the correct decision and would be glad by the end of the year" and the other by WesternJoe who wrote that "I was in the hands of a great surgeon and will do fine".

I am now at peace going into surgery. I know the first week after surgery will be bad but hopefully not as bad as my soft tissue surgery. My expectations are first that I will return to at least the same health I am at now without any longer term numbness or other issues. I will be ectstatic if my RDI becomes normal, i.e. less than 7. Otherwise any big improvement will be welcome as well.

I thank god for all the opportunities. I think this will be a 2nd life for me and I have to put it to good use.